“You are acting desperate. What is wrong?” asked my husband.
I didn’t have words to explain it. Tears after tears ran down my face. Did he really call me desperate? Rarely has that word been used to describe me. Was I?
I knew I was tired. Our daughter was sick. Although she was feeling better, now she had given it to me. I hadn’t slept well for a few days.
I knew I was weak. I had lost my appetite. I was counting calories to make sure I was eating enough. Although I knew I had eaten enough, I wasn’t sure my body was using them. (TMI Warning: food wasn’t staying inside me).
I knew I was disappointed. A Traveling Circus had come into town. We talked about going as family. Because I didn’t feel well, I suggested that it become a father/daughter date. It was my idea, but when they left, I was filled with disappointment.
One of my biggest fears is that I won’t be able to participate in my daughter’s life. Whenever she does something new, I really want to be there for her. Because of my health, I feel like I’m not around enough. I hate it when she wants to do something and I just don’t have enough energy, even though I know that parenting is exhausting to most parents.
But “desperate.” Was that me?
Dictionary.com described desperate as “leaving little or no hope; very serious or dangerous.” I took my eyes of the Jesus. Yes, I was — I was desperate to be strong and independent, but God reminded me to find my hope in Him alone.
Ryan Stevenson wrote in the song “The Gospel”:
Can we get back to the altar?
Back to the arms of our first love
There’s only one way to the Father
And He’s calling out to us
Yes, we can get back to the altar. God is waiting for us, but don’t delay.
Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you,
and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you.
For the Lord is a God of justice;
blessed are all those who wait for him.