On February 4, 2012, I (Kendra) thought I was going to die. Without going into too much detail, I had been experiencing cramping and bleeding for hours. I was miscarrying my third child at home. As I was trying to change positions with the hope of being more comfortable, I realized I couldn’t see. I had not experienced a loss of vision with the other two miscarriages. I knew that there was an unknown mass in my brain. Maybe the mass was going to kill us both. I yelled for my husband. He tried to comfort me while trying to get in contact with the appropriate doctors. We didn’t want to go to the ER and get a doctor who wasn’t familiar with my case. Eventually, we were told to go to the hospital for my first MRI.
I remember trying to pray on my way to the hospital. I was uncomfortable because of the miscarriage. I was disappointed. I was scared. I didn’t want to die, or maybe I did (to avoid this pain).
And guess what? I survived. Although I have faced fear and other unpleasant circumstances in the last five years, God has provided the strength to continue to fight.
And this week, I needed God’s strength. In January 2017, we had to sign up for more insurance. When my chemo prescription was written, the new insurance company wanted lots of paperwork. Then, we needed to deal with a different pharmacy. And when I called this pharmacy, I spent a lot of time on hold and/or talking to people who weren’t equipped to answer my questions.
I just wanted to wave my white flag and surrender before I even started my third round of chemo.
Repeatedly, I prayed, “Lord, I just want to be healed.”
And a God-sent blog showed up on my facebook. Bethany L. Douglas (who I don’t know at all) wrote about the miraculous feeding of the multitude in her blog:
It definitely would have been easier and certainly more convenient for the disciples for the ‘massive miracle’ . In fact, they probably wouldn’t have had to even get up! But Christ needed them to learn this lesson of fully-relying on Him. That everything they were getting ready to do – the preaching, the teaching, the miracles, the church-planting, the persecution – everything was dependent on the power of God.
Is He preparing you for the same thing using the same lesson?
It felt like God said, “I gave to you a miracle at your first surgery, your second surgery, your first round of chemo, your third surgery, and your radiation/chemo. I am not done working. You can trust me then and now.”
As I start this new adventure (I started chemo on Friday the 3rd), I would be lying if I said I was excited about it. I am grateful that I am not doing this by myself, because my miracle worker is going through this with me as well as my prayer warriors.
When God was calling me (Amy) to leave Cincinnati, but I didn’t know it yet, He closed every interpreting door of opportunity. I had job interviews, promised work through networking, yet all of it was fruitless. I remember telling a mentor of mine that I had bombed an interview because my signing wasn’t up to par. She looked at me like I had three heads and declared, “That’s impossible.” She wasn’t the only person to have such a response either.
It wasn’t so impossible to me, being easily-susceptible to self-doubt and insecurity. I didn’t know it was God calling me to go somewhere else. Now, after half a year of doubting myself, my calling, my purpose, and therefore my worth, God is finally opening the doors of opportunity and reassuring me, “It wasn’t your skills that were inadequate; it was My plan to move you.”
He not only moved me; He’s been growing me. I don’t know how exactly, and I don’t know what all it was for. But every step along the way has been permeated with, “Trust Me; I know what is happening.” It’s not over yet either. I’m still in the midst of extreme growth, quite possibly a wilderness preparation time, if you will.
Kendra and I are very familiar with depending on God for every step of the way, particularly right now. Remember also that God did not create humans to be islands, isolated and unconnected with each other. While your first source of dependency for daily life needs to be in the Lord, people were not created to face this life cut off and alone.
I’m encouraging you, if you find yourself dealing with something that seems overwhelming, but you don’t have anyone to share it with, find a fellow believer to share in this struggle. I totally believe the enemy uses fear and intimidation to keep us from reaching out to others who might encourage us and help us persevere.
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. Hebrews 12:1