I never was very athletic in my younger days, but I have friends who have to wear a brace or need to ice certain joints after exerting too much effort nowadays. I find as I continue my interpreting career, I need to wear a brace on my wrist to keep away injuring myself from overuse. Seems it’s just something that I’m going to have to maintain and take extra care of for the rest of my days, however long God chooses to let that be.
I’ve written before about letting our emotional injuries heal over and become scars, instead of dwelling on them and picking at them so they cannot become more than scabs. My old emotional/mental injury that inspired that post has flared up recently.
Usually, I’m rather appreciative of the memories that timehop and facebook offer to look back on what’s happened in years past: old jokes, milestones, how day-to-day life has changed for me personally, etc. But for a few weeks now, there has been some featured memories that aren’t so pleasant to recall. What’s worse is the memories I see now were happy stories at the time. The hurtful ones are coming later. There’s something to look forward to, right?
To say that this pain hasn’t been making surprise guest appearances until recently would be incorrect. But certain buried memories have been triggered, therefore the old wounds have been more keenly painful and difficult to deal with. I wish I could tell you, my friends, that I handled the pain as well as I would like, with maturity and faith and Scripture. The truth is that I allowed myself to be washed over with mourning and be lost in it.
I can’t tell you if that was right or wrong. I do know it would have been wrong for me to try to ignore or suppress what I was experiencing; that only bottles it up to become an unnecessary outburst later. I think it was the right thing to do, because I believe it’s part of the healing process. But now I find that I’m facing my old dilemma of wallowing in the pain for an unhealthy long amount of time instead of redirecting my attitude, thoughts, words, and actions.
I know that life happens in waves. Sometimes we are on top of the world and all’s well. Sometimes we feel like we are at the lowest point possible and will never rise again. This ebb and flow is normal. I think it’s how we handle the low points that shapes our character. So I add pressure on myself to respond maturely when I feel low or insecure. That’s not exactly helpful.
I know this pain will not be forever. But for now, it feels like I bear this pain alone, and every day that I choose to get out of bed and try again is a victory. I choose to press on, if only because I know that I must.
Several months ago, I started keeping a list (because I love checklists…it soothes my hyperactive brain) of verses that speak encouragement to me. We humans are a forgetful sort, and I can claim even more forgetfulness than many people (I think that’s why God made me blonde). These verses are helpful to remind me of His Truth when I’m at my low points and can’t think things will ever get better.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, But God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.- Psalm 73:26
When doubts filled my mind, Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. – Psalm 94:19
Each time, He said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now, I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
The LORD is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in Him. –Nahum 1:7
Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you. –1 Peter 5:7
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.- Philippians 4:6-7
I’m still downright tired. And it feels like it’s just getting worse. My motivation is lost. The tiniest details sets me into a downward whirlpooling spiral of negative thoughts. Everything is hard right now. I press on because I have hope in a Savior who sees my pain, sees my little problems, and loves me in my weakness and frailty.