It is amazing how emotions can spring out of control. Recently, I learn that an acquaintance experienced a miscarriage. Before I even realized it, I was dreaming, thinking about our children: the emotions, the disappointments, the pain. I have to remind myself to be thankful for the short time with us and the lessons I have learned.
I believe we became parents almost seven years ago (although our culture didn’t acknowledge it). I still remember the excitement. I remember the disappointment as I tried to deny the life. It was easier to ignore the pain if I could convince myself there wasn’t missing life. (Our doctor told us it was blighted ovum, meaning that the cells didn’t develop. It took time for my body realized that there wasn’t a baby there.) I was bitter, jealous, and in denial of the truth.
But even though I didn’t recognize it, God was working. He was teaching me that shame separates. My husband and I were keeping emotions at bay, and I separated myself from him, even though we were both hurting. By the next summer, I was pregnant again. But the joy didn’t last long. On September 13, I birthed a dead baby. It is still one of hardest things I have even done.
I know this is the expected thing to say: if i had to have the first miscarriage, then I am grateful for the second. Because I was further along, my doctor wanted me to miscarriage in the hospital. At the hospital, the nurses were great. They helped us mourn, not only this miscarriage, but also the first. God provided healing in our hospital room. We named our babies Enoch, because He walked with the Lord, and Corban, a gift dedicated to the Lord. The next few months were hard. I felt like we were mourning both babies at the same time. God was still working and healing. I confessed being jealous and bitter. Even through the third miscarriage, I held onto the truth that reminded me that He loves my children more that I do.
When you confess your sins, God loves it. He knows the truth, but He wants us to reveal ourselves to Him. Through prayer and study, God reassured me that He loves me, just like I love my kids. Truth be told, even though they caused me heartache and pain, I love them unconditionally. And looking back, I can see God trying to show me that He loves me unconditionally.
Through this difficult time for us, we became more aware of the pain that sin has caused in this world, and we look forward to the day that our family can be together again. But in the meantime, we will strive hard to help others to become a part of the family of God. These verses encouraged me:
Romans 5:1-5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Romans 8:18-21 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.
Philippians 4:4-7 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.