“Remembering”

It was supposed to be a special day. It’s one of those landmark days that you look forward to your whole life growing up.  Incalculable hours of time and energy are spent planning for this day by multiple people: not just those directly involved, but caring friends and family, too. Of all the special days that one has in this lifetime, this event was among those most treasured.

Then something happens. And now, the special day will come; but the event that was supposed to make it special will not be taking place.

It feels like the gash left from the robbery of my special day will never find the right fit to fill it. Yes, it feels like I (Amy) got robbed, cheated, disappointed by someone I trusted wholeheartedly. And as many times since then that I think I have healed and my emotional wound has finally become a scar of survival, I still get surprised by new pain. Now, the closer I get to my would-be special day, the more often these surprising pangs occur.

Everything inside of me right now is crying out to numb myself.  This pain, the memory, the anticipation, the disappointment, the bitterness that keeps cropping up… it’s all too much. I don’t want to deal with it. It feels like I can’t deal with it. Feeling nothing would be so much better than treading through all this overwhelming hurt.

Somewhere through it all, a voice of reason says not to numb myself.  It doesn’t give any reason why, or at least I can’t hear it, but I know it’s better not to numb myself.  Knowing that doesn’t change the desire to do so.  

I know it’s not the end. I know that numbing myself is just a means to hide, and hiding only makes the journey through all of this even longer. I know that I will get through this.  I know that this is temporary. I know that there are bigger, more serious problems in the world. I know all these things.  But knowing these truths doesn’t lessen the truth of all that I’m feeling.

There are some days that I know how strong God has made me, and I know I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.  That doesn’t mean there won’t be days where I feel weak, tired, worn out, and ready to quit. At the end of those days, instead of quitting, I cling to this simple Truth: God loves me, God sees me, God is with me, God is not giving up on me.

In this time of remembering my stolen special day and all the pain and loss associated with it, that Truth is what I grasp onto with all my might. It won’t feel real, and it may not feel true sometimes.  But it is true, no matter what our easily manipulated emotions may tell us.

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