If you have read my posts so far, you might have noticed that I keep referring to my first brain surgery. I do that, because I am preparing for my second brain surgery in just a few days.
My seizure on June 11th was just the first of a series of seizures. I had another one in August and three more in November. So after my annual MRI (which was already planned for November), my doctors decided that it was time to for another round of surgery since my tumor is growing and putting pressure on my brain.
I don’t even know how the express the feelings that are inside of me as I prepare for this surgery. At one moment, I am as scared as I can be, and at the next moment I have incredible peace. At one moment, I imagine myself being brain dead for years on end (I’m not afraid of dieing, because of Christ), and the next I imagine being a healthy wife and mother to an awesome family for many years to come. Some of the extremes, I believe, are intensified by my medication, but I refuse to be a victim of my medication anymore.
As I have experience the extremes of emotions, I have turned to the Bible. As I study, I keep realizing I am looking for a way to get what I want from God, but unfortunately believe I am searching in vain. The God of the Bible doesn’t seem to be a God that can be manipulated to give good gifts.
Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that God wants to give good gifts to his people, and there are things we can do that God rewards, but He cannot be manipulated. God knows our hearts.
As I have searched, I am reminded that God wants all of me, and when I give Him all I have and am, that is how I learn what His will is. God wants to be more important than my health. God wants to be more important than my family, including my husband and baby. God wants to be my everything.
He wants to be your everything too. I know it is hard. I keep trying to cling onto my health and my family, because they are very important to me, but I am reminded of Jim Elliot’s quote, ““He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.” Although I can affect my health and my family, I do not have complete control over either. It would be foolish of me to try to keep them and not give them to God and lose some of God’s blessing in my life. And so I give to Jesus my health and my family.
And Jesus has been faithful to take what I have given him and blessed us in return. Thank you, God, for doing what is best for us. Thank you, God, for providing friends and family to help us. I am especially thankful to my in-laws who are coming to Missouri to take care of things during surgery including our little one and to my parents and sister who will provide for us the following week. Thank you, God, for the many people praying for us. Thank you, God, for providing in ways I could not have imagined.