The door closes again

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself dreaming.  A dream that was familiar when I was a child or even a few years ago, but I had not let myself dream it for a while.  As much as I am grateful for my daughter, I don’t want her to be an only child.  I want many children to inconvenience our lives.  But until a few weeks ago, I hadn’t let myself consider the possibilities.

Medically, I am not supposed to have more kids, and adopting a child is a difficult road for us.  Because of my health history, I have been told that several agencies wouldn’t work with us to pass the home study.  This means that even if I had a child that needed to be adopted, the government will not allow it until we pass a home study.

A few weeks ago, we found an agency that would work with us, but the problem is that we don’t feel comfortable working with them.  They want us to sign a contract that dictates how we would discipline our children.  It hurts to walk away from this opportunity.  I feel like I am walking away from my dream.

My heart breaks.  My hope has been taken away.  The deceiver has been at work.  He has been encouraging me to question my beliefs, just like he did to Eve.  In Genesis 3, the serpent came to Eve and said, “Did God actually say…?”

Sometimes, the deceiver does lie to us, but typically he doesn’t start out that blunt.  He starts by asking questions.  When we entertain these questions, our brains are wired to want answers.  When we want answers, we become prepared to accept the deceiver’s lies.

If we can control the questions, we are less likely to accept the lies.

When I allow myself to consider the following questions, I am more prone to believe the lies.

        Why didn’t God completely heal me from my brain tumor?

        Why did I have to be sterilized?

        Why won’t someone work with us to adopt?

        Why did God allow us to find an agency just to have us close the door?

        Why hasn’t God fulfilled the desires of my heart?

There is no good answer for any of those questions.  When I focus on them, my heart and mind will be under attack.  I have already lost most of the battle.

But I have the great defender on my team.  Philippians 4:7-8 says,

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

God’s peace enables to consider better questions, like the following:

        How is God going to use my brain tumor?

        Who could I encourage with my story?

        How can my disappointment in this situation bring me closer to God?

        How is God preparing my heart for when He does fulfill it?

        According to the Bible, what is the truth about this situation?

These questions lead to better answers.  They help us to focus on what we can control.  The questions lead me to God’s peace, which helps us focus on the good things.

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