I serve the God who heals. And after almost five years of dealing with a terminal disease, I say that now with more confidence than ever.
Six years ago, I was enjoying my comfortable life — my dream life. I was married, serving in ministry, and very hopeful about my future.
But I had some problems that I didn’t even realize. I didn’t understand how much God loves me. Not because I didn’t believe the Scriptures, but because I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t understand how my lack of self-confidence tainted how I attempted to love others.
I pursued comfort, and not at a healthy level. The pursuit of comfort was more important than obedience to my Lord. Although I would not say it, my actions revealed that I considered safety and health more desirable than a closeness to God. Therefore, I was an idolater.
I was jealous. I wanted kids, and I didn’t seem to be able to have them. And to make it worse, there were women unworthy of the title “Mom” who kept having kids. I was hurt and jealous.
I was afraid of the unknown; the possibility of saying the “wrong” thing kept me from speaking up when appropriate. The possibility of a natural disaster taking away what I cherish kept me awake at night.
And so for the past almost five years, while I have been pursuing physical healing, God has been more concerned with my heart.
And He has been healing me.
I now have a greater understanding of God’s love. I value myself. I know God created me for good works, and I am trusting Him to reveal them to me.
Sometimes, I can embrace discomfort by trusting that it is good for me and my family. Right now, I am going through chemo and proton radiation. I am losing my hair. (The picture I my brush and my hair.) I am physically uncomfortable. I am spending more time away from my house than actually being at home. I am praising God for the opportunities to encourage others.
Although jealously still appears, I can get excited when my friends announce that they are pregnant. I see babies and praise God for the new life.
When I am afraid, I have learned the importance of responding in love. Love is more powerful than fear.
I join Paul in praising God.
“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”
Ephesians 3:20-21 (ESV)
I also want to encourage you. If you are discouraged that God isn’t working in your life, maybe He is working in ways you don’t understand.
If I judge God’s work by my own expectations, He has failed. I am still fighting the brain tumor. But God has revealed to me that He is fixing problems that I didn’t know were problems for His glory. I praise God for His work and trust God that He is not finished.