I (Kendra) know that Jesus wants me to trust Him. He wants me to come to Him with my wants and desires, and He wants me to be confident that He is redeeming the world.
I struggle. I know that God is at work, but the redemption process can be uncomfortable and even painful. Often, I prefer just getting what I want rather than what is the best. Monday night was one of those moments. I wanted to be completely healed, because I was concerned that the tumor was growing again. On Saturday, I had an incident where I couldn’t speak. I knew what I wanted to say, but the words didn’t come. I was terrified the MRI would reveal tumor growth. I didn’t want to attack the tumor more aggressively.
I knew that I should trust God. God is more concerned with changing me than giving me what I want. Therefore, I was concerned about the lesson He wanted me to learn.
I trust Jesus.
I believe God is good.
The Holy Spirit is working.
He would be with me and equipping me to follow Him.
Yet, I couldn’t sleep.
Shame said, “If you truly trusted God, you would be able to sleep.”
Guilt said, “You know you are not supposed to worry.”
Truth says, “Keep fighting. Jesus is making you into what He wants you to be.”
Even though shame and guilt were discouraging me, I knew I was on God’s side. I will join Lauren Daigle and declare:
When You don’t move the mountains
I’m needing You to move,
When You don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through,
When You don’t give the answers
As I cry out to You,
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You
Yes, God hasn’t yet moved my mountains or parted my waters, but He has given me strength to face them. I am praising God that my brain is stable (no noticeable tumor growth), and my blood counts are strong. As I learn to trust in Him, He gives me strength to rest in Him.
No matter the mountains that are in your way, Jesus wants to work through them. Keep trusting Him. Take your concerns to Him. Confess your sins. Replace shame’s lies with truth. Be thankful. And watch Jesus work. His work is amazing.