Sometimes, we need to tell our feelings the truth, and sometimes it is hard. This week it has been hard. I wish I could have slept through it.
I was stressed about chemo. I was supposed to get my blood drawn on Friday the 24th, so that I could start Friday the 3rd. I decided to go grocery shopping as well. I went into town on the 24th, got groceries, and went home. Notice that I didn’t go the the lab, and this lab has certain business hours. I couldn’t give my blood until Monday, which slowed the process down. As of Thursday at 4:00 p.m., I hadn’t communicated with the pharmacy. Even then, I was able to start on-time (but I was frustrated with myself). I couldn’t blame the health system, the doctors, the pharmacy. I had failed.
I started chemo with a positive outlook, but it wasn’t long until it disappeared. The abdominal cramps that I normally have wasn’t the problem. I was tired. It didn’t matter how many naps I took. I was tired. Then my dishwasher broke, and my daughter became sick.
Although I survived, Satan’s lies thrived. “I was NOT doing enough. If I was smart enough, I wouldn’t feel this tired. I am failing. I should be doing more for my sick daughter.” Etc.
On Wednesday, I tried to worship. It seemed to help while I was singing, but when I stopped, the lies invaded again.
I knew something was wrong. I knew I needed the truth.
I opened my Bible. This time, the words were just words. As I read them, I would forget them. I was mad at myself, my husband, and the world for making my little one sick.
On Friday, I asked Amy to speak the Truth into my life, and she did. She confirmed that life is hard. I am valuable. Keep fighting the good fight.
A friend of mine, who suffers from depression, once told me that she has two friends that she could call when she can’t pray. I didn’t understand “can’t pray”, but I have learned there are times with fear, anger, guilt, or even just shame builds up and you need help. I get it now.
It is hard to admit that you can’t do something on your own. My daughter likes to ask for help on tasks that she is “doing on her own.” She wants to feel that she is independent but still receive help.
The more I live, the more I realize we were designed to live together. We need people – people that will speak the truth with love for us. We are here to help.
Galatians 6:2 Carry one another’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the Law of Christ.
Ephesians 5:19-20 Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your hearts to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage and build one another up, just as you are already doing.