In the face of love

Before surgery, I was fearful. I wrote a blog about fearing that I could not create a clock. By the way, the picture is a clock I created just two weeks after surgery, and I probably could have done it sooner.

Honestly, I still fear now.  I know that Bible is full of commands saying “fear not.” Because of those commands, I have assumed that it is sinful to fear anything other than God.  But before surgery, I was confronted with the concept that maybe the Bible says “fear not” so many times because it is normal to be afraid (but not necessarily sinful). Maybe fear is like anger. The emotion isn’t bad; it is how you respond to it. Anger and fear may lead to sin, but they are not sins themselves.

Assuming that fear is not a sin, I was wrestling with the concept of how that affects the practical application of trusting God, because I know I need to do that more. Can you still be afraid and trust God at that same time? I wasn’t sure. Google tells me that trust is “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.”

I have a firm belief that God is reliable and strong.  I believe, but I wanted to define what that reliability looks like and how He wants to shows His strength.  Is it sinful to fear how God could choose to show His strength?

For example, my husband and I desire to raise more children on earth.  I take comfort in knowing that God wants me to care for the widows and orphans, and I want to adopt orphans. (James 1:27).  I hope it is in God’s plan to fulfill that desire, but God hasn’t guaranteed that we might get that opportunity. I fear that He might have a different plan. So what do I do with that desire?

I struggle.

Thus I am beginning to understand trusting God.

Trusting God means repeatedly surrendering my perceived wants and desires to Jesus. Trusting God means firmly believing that Jesus would do what is best for all people (and not just for me). He can give the desire, change my desire, or (as He specializes in) change me.

Don’t miss the point, I am supposed to respond to Jesus.  That’s it.  Jesus does the rest.  I don’t have to determine if my desire if Godly.  I don’t have to determine what my desire should be. And I don’t determine what is good.  I just repeatedly give my will to Him.

And each time I do, trust is built.  It is easier to hand it over the next time around.

To “trust God” is to acknowledge “I need Jesus.”  I need Jesus more than I need children, health, or life itself.  After my second surgery, my sister read John 15 to me.  She said that your purpose was to “remain in Jesus.” Sometimes, I forget the importance of remaining in Jesus.

Since this third surgery, I am been doing more of remaining in Jesus. And He is pouring down His love to me.

He has shown me His love through weight restriction.  I can’t pick up our daughter for weeks.  Because of this, Amy is staying at our house.  And good friends are medicine for the soul.  God knew that I needed Amy.  I would not have suggested her staying at our home that long without the weight restriction.

He has shown me His love through His church.  For more than two weeks after surgery, I didn’t cook and still enjoyed great food.  (Thank you family and the church!!)

Some might find it weird, but I really enjoy the time after surgery.  True, I experience not being able to focus at my full potential. I can’t find some of the words I want. I struggling sleeping (I have written a large portion of this blog in the middle of the night).  I am easily fatigued. But I am enjoying Jesus.

I pray that you have the pleasure of just enjoying Jesus.

Don’t worry about fixing your desires; just give them up to Jesus.  Acknowledge that you need Him more than whatever it is that you want. I can’t guarantee that God will get you whatever you want (probably not), but God is faithful to give you His love.

And His love is really what you need.

I am grateful for Jesus’ love. And I know, it is would get me through the next year.  Although the tumor is similar in nature (not more aggressive), my doctor is advising that we treat it more aggressively with radiation and chemo.  I am waiting for more doctors’ opinions for which treatments should be done.

It is His love that He has gotten me through these difficult times. And it is wonderful. I hope you experience it.

Thanks for praying for me.



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