No More Keppra… I thought

So after my miscarriage and before my first surgery on March 5, 2012, my doctors put me on anti-seizure medication.  For those of you who are familiar with anti-seizure medications, my medication is the generic form of Keppra.  When my husband told his friend, Kirk, that I was taking Keppra, Kirk’s response was something like, “Oooooh, the grouchy medicine.”  It didn’t take long before my husband and I both understood what Kirk meant. Shortly after surgery, I didn’t even want to live with myself, and I felt like no one else did either.  Just to be clear, I don’t think I was suicidal, but it would be accurate to say I was depressed.

After my three month post surgery MRI in late May, my husband and I convinced my doctors to wean me off the Keppra.  I was so excited when I took my “last dose” of Keppra.  Not only did that mean my husband and I could try to get pregnant again, but I felt like I could control my emotions.  Since I was not actively involved in treatment, I pretended I was healthy.

I was even more excited when we announced that I was pregnant on the first anniversary of my brain surgery.  Like most women who have lost children, I had some reservations, but I also had hope for our future. I was working again, and we were able to save most of my paycheck for our growing family.

On June 11, some of that hope diminished when I had another seizure.  Overnight, I went from working 40+ hours a week to no longer being eligible for my job. (My job required driving, and in Missouri you cannot drive if you have had a seizure in the last 6 months) My doctor also put me back onto the generic form of Keppra.

I was frustrated.  I wanted to be able to save more money.  I wanted the freedom that comes with driving.  I wanted emotional control over my feelings.  I wanted a healthy baby which was in question because no anti-seizure medications have been fully tested on babies. I wanted my dream life.

But once again, God’s plan is better than my dream life.  God keeps reminding me that He is stronger than the circumstances in my life. He has provided the money we need.  He has provided transportation when I need it.  He has even provided some emotional control over my feelings.  He has provided our wonderful baby which in my opinion is one of the best babies ever.  She sleeps well.  She generally only cries when she has a need.  She is only four months old and is already very vocal and active.  (Sorry, I’ll temporarily stop bragging about her).

God has not promised to make life easy, but He has promised to be with us always, and he has given us the strength to deal with our circumstances.  I have decided that at least for me the Keppra seems to intensify the feelings I have already.  If I am irritated at someone or something, I find myself being rude.  If I don’t feel like I have a purpose, I start to be depressed and unmotivated.  For a while, I would be rude, and just blame it on the medication.  I would be depressed, and blame it on the medication.  I would be unmotivated, and blame it on the medication.  Even though I may not always acts as if it is true, God is stronger than the Keppra; therefore, so I am.  Now, I may be rude, depressed, and unmotivated, but I can choose to use God’s power to conquer those emotions.  Thanks to God I am stronger than Keppra.  No more excuses for me.  I still struggle, but I can win.  I can be the Christian God wants me to be.

And the truth be told, you can too.  Whatever struggles you find yourself in (and we all find ourselves there sometimes), God is stronger than your problems too.  He wants to give you the strength to conquer your problems too, but He does ask that we trust Him.

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