1. “You are good enough.”
  2. “You are valuable.”
  3. “You are loved.”
  4. “God owns the cattle on thousand hill-tops; resources don’t limit Him” (Ps. 50:10)
  5. “Trust God rather than money.”
  6. “If you hold your money in a fist, God can’t give you more.  Open your fist, and trust God to provide.”

These are the messages I have heard over and over, but I struggle with how (or if) to apply them the following situation.

On Monday, we spent most of the day learning about proton radiation.  As far as treating my brain tumor, it should produce the same effect, but not cause as much collateral damage (x-ray radiation would cause more harm to more my brain). It would also be more difficult.  Insurance probably wouldn’t pay for it.  It would also require me to be in another state for the most of six weeks for treatment.  If we choose this route, many logistical questions accompany it: Where does my daughter stay?  Who would watch her? How do we budget for this?

On Wednesday, we talked to other doctors.  One of them said that yes, proton radiation is better, but not that much better.  There is a point that the cost is too great for the limited benefit.

Thursday, we were given a minimal cost for the treatment alone (excluding doctors, labs, scans, and emotional cost). It is greater than I wanted to spend.  This decision should be easy.  The part of me that has been trained to be responsible with my resources and time says, “The cost is too great. Received the x-ray radiation.”  

But the decision isn’t that easy.

Because prior to knowing the cost, I felt like God was giving me peace about proton radiation.  It is abnormal for me to desire the more difficult route.  I thought it was Jesus leading our decision.

When I told Amy the situation, she asked, “And God changed the peace feeling or you took your eyes off Him and looked at the waves, Peter?”

I love the story that Amy refers to.  In Matthew 14, Peter sees Jesus walking on water, and his immediate response is to do what Jesus is doing.  It doesn’t matter that what Jesus was doing doesn’t make sense.  He said, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” As long as Peter wasn’t distracted by the waves, Peter was able to do the impossible.

Lord, I want to fix my eyes on you and do the impossible like Peter.  I don’t want to settle for “easy.” If Peter settled for easy, he would have never left the boat.

So I pray for a clear decision towards God’s will.  As my doctor on Wednesday told us, finding God’s will is more about learning to think like God rather than doing the right thing.

Maybe I need lessons on “I am worth it” and “don’t worry about money” because I don’t think God thinks, “I really want to do …., but I’m not worth it, and I don’t want to spend the money.”

I might appear that I have made the decision to do proton radiation, but I haven’t.

I do believe that God sometimes leads you through provision.  He did create this world with limited resources.  He told us to share those resources.  And we are to trust Him more than those resources.  We are to be responsible.

The point of this blog is not “How To Use Our Resources,” but to explain my struggle to think like God, but I will pursue Him and pray for an answer.  Thinking like God is key to being wise with your resources.

Lord, please enable me to think like You would, as we make decisions regarding treatments.  Lord, change the way I think to the way YOU do.  Thank you that no matter what we decide my healing comes from You (and it doesn’t really matter.)

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