I (Kendra) had another follow-up doctor’s appointment this week.  We are praising God the MRI showed that my brain is still stable.  My doctor will never say that there was no change (because no two pictures will look exactly the same), but there was no significant change.

Even with that good news, I still left the appointment a little sad.  As some of you may know, our family wants to adopt.  In the United States, a home study is required for all types of adoption.  The home study is a process to protect the child from being placed in an unsafe environment.  Although the law doesn’t prevent us from adopting, many companies that perform the home study have policies in place that would prevent us from passing the home study.

There were two agencies that told us that my doctor needs to verify that I have a “normal life expectancy.”  Our hope was that he would feel comfortable with that requirement.  He was not.   It didn’t surprise me.

In all honesty, he was more positive about my future in this appointment than in previous appointments.  Four years ago in my first appointment with this doctor, he basically told me to cross my fingers for new treatment, because new treatments would be my best hope.  Without them, the tumor or another tragedy would kill me.  This week, he was optimistic about new treatments.  There is one treatment in clinicals, that if it works like they are expecting, there is a possibility for a cure.  Now that is exciting!  Since my diagnosis, I have been hoping for a cure.  I have known that my God could do that for me.  Even then, my doctor hasn’t expected it.  (Even now, it would be unfair to say he expects a cure.  He knows that many studies still need to be done).

Even with this good news, I am afraid.  I don’t want to be told that we can’t raise any more kids.  I am so afraid that I don’t want to ask anymore.  My husband doesn’t understand this, because he is logical enough to know that if we quit pursuing adoption, it probably won’t happen.  Even if someone asked us to raise a child, for the child to be legally ours, we would have to pass a home study.  If we want a larger family, it would appear that we have to risk the possibility of being rejected.

I fear being rejected.

But I need to remember that in my own blog in December, I wrote,  “Fear is powerful, but it is not the most powerful.  Love is, because God is love.”

When I want to quit pursuing an adoption, I will remember my love for my future adopted children (who I believe are waiting for me).  When I want to quit pursuing adoption, I will remember God who hasn’t quit pursuing me, even when I make it difficult.

Love wants to be stronger than your fears too, but God wants us to submit of fears to Him.

Loves says, “I am stronger than fear, and God wants to make you stronger too.”

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